The end of "The Office" is accelerating toward us faster than, well, something between a snake and a mongoose. To honor it properly, "Office" star John Krasinski has produced a 10-episode web series that NBC will roll out over the next few weeks.
Friday, April 12, 2013
WATCH: Vince Vaughn 'SNL' Promos
Vince Vaughn is hosting "Saturday Night Live" for the first time since 1998 this weekend. That's nearly 15 years since the "Wedding Crashers" star has graced Studio 8H. This time, Miguel will perform as musical guest.
Watch his promos with cast member Bobby Moynihan above and catch the episode this Saturday at 11:30 p.m. on NBC.
That Time Jaime Lannister Ran Into George Clooney In A Bathroom Stall
"Game of Thrones" star Nikolaj Coster-Waldau stopped by "Conan" Tuesday night and told a story about an awkward encounter he had in the bathroom of an awards show. After the show, he really had to use the restroom. He ran into a stall, unaware there was someone inside.
“And then this idi ... well, this guy is in there ... I’m pretty sure there’s spillage. I’m sure there was," Coster-Waldau reported. “I said sorry, he said sorry, and then I go, 'Oh my God. That’s George Clooney. He’s so short!'"
So, Nikolaj thinks George is kind of a short idiot. He advised Clooney to close the door next time.
And hey, close a door, open a window. Remember when Nikolaj’s "Game of Thrones" character Jaime Lannister threw a kid out the window? Well, that’s kind of negatively affecting his life as a dad.
“One of my youngest daughter’s teachers is a big fan ... I come to pick up my kid, and all the kids are going, ‘That’s the guys who pushes kids out windows!'" he said.
Between the spillage and the upset kids -- not great days for Nikolaj.
Luckily, plenty is going well with "Game of Thrones," which is getting great ratings so far this season.
TV Replay scours the vast television landscape to find the most interesting, amusing, and, on a good day, amazing moments, and delivers them right to your browser.
Barbara Holm: Why the World Needs Bridgetown
Less than two weeks away, I'm really excited for Bridgetown Comedy Festival in Portland, Oregon. I'm obviously a little nervous about performing on shows with really good artists and also about being in huge claustrophobic crowds. But any anxiety is completely overshadowed by my joy and excitement that in the very imminent future hundreds of the best comedians I've ever seen will be performing on the same block, on good shows, to smart audiences. Bridgetown Comedy Festival is an amazing event that nurtures stand up comedy as an art form.
This is the sixth year of the Bridgetown Comedy Festival, a bundle of the best stand up comedy shows you've ever seen, mostly compiled along Southeast Hawthorne. It's the brainchild of very funny comedians Andy Wood, Matt Braunger and awesome comedy fan Kim Brady.
A lot of comedians love comedy festivals because it feels like summer camp to see old friends from across the country. I love it for that reason but also because it is such a beautiful showcase of comedians doing something special and unique to the best of their abilities. I think the concentration of such strong, artistic talent in one place in one weekend really inspires me to be better and makes me fall in love with stand up all over again.
Bridgetown does a really good job of showcasing the growing, unique hotbed of young, clever comics in Portland. The Northwest has a wonderful group of comedians that are doing something really interesting that makes me want to work harder and be a better writer and performer. I love watching the comedians here, and I'm so excited that the audiences get to see these great people too. I'm really excited to see local comics like Ian Karmel, Anthony Lopez, Alex Falcone, Sean Jordan, Shane Torres, Stephanie Purtle, Curtis Cook, and so many more. I love Bridgetown because it makes local performance art look really good.
The first year I did Bridgetown I counted and realized I watched over 20 hours of comedy. Good comedy makes me happier than anything in the world. I'm so excited to see hilarious people I look up to, who make me want to be better, and remind me that stand up is the most beautiful thing in the world and it can help people. I'm really looking forward to seeing Bryan Cook, Rylee Newton, Dave Ross, Emily Heller, Kate Berlant, Heather Thomson, Caitlin Gill, and so many more.
Comedy is the best thing in the world. It's an art form that can take the darkest parts of the human condition and make them everything seem less lonely and intimidating. The scariest parts of life seem more surmountable when you realize other people feel the same way and you can laugh about it together. Laughing is like therapy for me. Comedy makes life better, and good comedy makes comedy better, and Bridgetown Comedy Festival is a sloppy mess of amazing stand up comedy. So, you should go to it!
Breaking: It Is Very, Very Hot Out
Ah!
It's hot! It's a bazillion degrees outside!*
*hyperbole
It's hotter than your laptop that time you left it running on your bed and came home to find that it was, like, so hot and you had to find your roommate and make them touch it just so they knew that you weren't lying.
"But wait!" you say, "It is only April!"
This is true! It's suppose to be the beginning of spring -- the month that produces showers which, as we know, bring along with it flowers. And yet, here we are, basking baking in the glow of early onset summer disorder.
Because this is the case, the heat can be narrowed down to two things: Either the "weather gods" hate D.C. or the year 2013 has been shortened and we went from March right into July (in which case, I totally missed the fireworks on the 4th and I'm pissed about it).
Story continues below...
Stepping out onto the sidewalk, where, at the current record setting temperature of 90 degrees, the proverbial egg can be fried, one can see tourists begin to wilt, lobbyists and politicians sweat straight through the umpteen thousand layers they wear to work, wax figures at Madame Tussauds meld into work more closely associated with Picasso, and one can hear almost everyone complaining.
I, for one, have decided to spend most of the day indoors for multiple reasons:
1. I work indoors. Therefore going outdoors would mean serious slacking off.
2. As anyone working in a climate controlled office can tell you, stepping outside the front door after 10 a.m. into 90 degree weather will cause you to melt immediately upon exposure.
3. Per the melting -- I prefer to remain in a solid human form rather than a liquid one.
4. I burn faster than D.C. renames neighborhoods.
Still, most of you will have to venture outdoors at some point. Because lists are totally in this year and I am dying to win your love and affection, here are some rules and guidelines you should abide by whilst grinning and bearing the heat:
1. Every person gets two minutes to complain about the heat. If you're with friends, make this rule known. Whenever someone begins to complain, remind them that they are on the clock, like a debate. Notify them when they only have 30 seconds remaining, it's the courteous thing to do.
When the two minutes are up for each person in the party, try a different topic of conversation. Where you are going to get brunch this weekend and what happened on TV last night are popular subjects.
2. Avoid exposure to the sun for prolonged periods of time. It's only April, that means you have not adjusted your suntan vs. sunburn inner clock just yet. It's understandable, your body has been confused by the extreme temperature change. To avoid unsightly sunburns, try a tactic which was recently found to prevent sun damage to skin in a one thousand year study on human exposure to the sun -- stay in the shade.
Also -- this thing called sunblock was recently invented. Use it.
3. Remember that it could be worse. Remember that Death Valley, Calif. is very hot. You should be grateful that the founding fathers decided against situating the capital of the United States in the middle of a desert over 250 feet below sea level.
Wait, the high temperature in Death Valley today is expected to reach 90 degrees?!
WHAT?!
Remember that Antarctica is very cold. You should be grateful that the founding fathers decided against situating the capital of the United States on a frozen continent thousands of miles from southern tip of Florida.
4. Cherish it. Next year when we have a freak snowstorm in the middle of April you'll be all like, "Hey remember when our faces melted off in the middle of April? Good times."
5. Stay indoors. This one seems easy, but it is tempting to go running out into the heat, screaming and hollering in excitement like small children at a Build-A-Bear Workshop, drawn out by the seemingly beautiful weather. But if you do, remember that soon you will be nothing more than a sweaty puddle, sizzling out in the middle of the national mall, without the energy to get up and walk inside somewhere or call out for help.
6. Drink lots of water. It will do wonders, like keep you hydrated.
But, hey, at least the evenings are nice and the cherry blossoms are in bloom. Right?
Thursday, April 11, 2013
Every Meme EVER In One Epic Poster
Our friends over at CollegeHumor have put together THE definitive meme poster for 2013. Trust us, this is awesome.
Dyana Posner: Temple Horses' You're Not That Crazy Premieres at the Friars Club Comedy Film Festival -- A Well-Spent Saturday Afternoon
How did you spend your Saturday afternoon? Trolling Facebook? Enjoying the beautiful spring weather? Watching reruns of Girls On Demand? Well, I spent mine at the Friars Club Comedy Film Festival, checking out the world premiere of the new short film from the creative comedy team Temple Horses.
The short film is called You're Not That Crazy and takes place in a psychiatric hospital. It opens with two patients trying to "one-up" each other in terms of who has the bigger mental problem and whose problem is not even real. Throughout the short film, new patients join the group and join in on the contest. It is written and produced by Ryan E. Hoffman and Nick Ruggia; directed by Jason Sokoloff. This particular piece also features the popular comedian Greer Barnes, who contacted the Temple Horses after watching their previous shorts and asked to work with them. The core group of talented actors who typically perform in the Temple Horses' work, Hoffman, and Ruggia also star. It is only five minutes long, but it is part of a sketch comedy pilot called Watch This Drunk. The Temple Horses are currently shopping the sizzle to networks. The short film premiered before the premiere of the feature film Mulligan and took home the Audience Award for Best Short at the festival. It was a well-deserved award, to say the least.
As I have previously stated, the appeal of the Temple Horses' comedy is that it is smart. The Temple Horses constantly think out of the box. It is not in-your-face slapstick comedy that, while is entertaining, has a short lifespan. When you watch a Temple Horses' production, it takes a bit of brainpower to realize why it is funny. Yes, their work is meant to make you laugh, but it often feels like they are trying to make a larger and more important point about the world we live in. Comedy is an art form, just like any other. Like most art forms, you can make art, but that does not mean you are an artist. That said, in comedy, you can do comedy, but that does not necessarily mean you are a comedian. I think to truly be a comedian you have to see the world through unique eyes. You have to understand what is funny about certain situations, the most appropriate way to communicate that humor, and also where to draw the line. Not everyone has this gift, but Hoffman and Ruggia do.
This became crystal clear to me having seen You're Not That Crazy this past weekend. Needless to say, a psychiatric hospital might not be a location that screams good comedy, but in You're Not That Crazy it is. Hoffman and Ruggia skillfully manipulate a topic that is serious and sad for most of the population, turning it into a scenario that you can laugh about. A lot of the appeal of the short film comes from the fact that it makes fun of everyone. It is not about mocking people who are depressed, have ADD, or an eating disorder.
Moreover, You're Not That Crazy follows suit with previous Temple Horses' work in that it makes a larger point about life. Human beings are self-centered creatures. We always think we have it the worst. Our problems are worse than anybody else's problems. We have the hardest lives. At the same time, we can all agree that certain things really are terrible, and we like to indulge in other people's misery. Which is why when the schizophrenic shows up in hospital, everybody freaks out, moves to the other side of the table, and seems to be thankful they are not in his shoes. The cool part about this short film is that it could be set anywhere and it would still be relevant. The genius part about this short film is that the writers chose to set it in a psychiatric hospital. It goes without saying that I definitely spent my Saturday afternoon the right way.
You can follow Temple Horses on twitter at @TempleHorses, "Like" them on Facebook, or check out their website www.templehorses.com for more.
Guess What He & Amy Poehler Are Teaming Up For Next
Adam Scott stopped by "Late Night With Jimmy Fallon" on Tuesday to talk many things, including his Adult Swim side project "The Greatest Television Event In History". If you missed episode one featuring he and Jon Hamm recreating the opening of "Simon & Simon", you should do yourself a favor and check it out.
After rolling a clip from the Hamm episode, Scott announced that there are three more episodes coming and the next one will feature none other than his "Parks and Rec" co-star Amy Poehler, as well as "SNL" alum Horatio Sanz.
Scott would not, however, reveal which TV show they'll be spoofing. Watch the clip from "Late Night" above and let us know your best guess on which show he and Amy are taking on in the comments. We're keeping our fingers crossed for "The Greatest American Hero", which seems apt.
The next "Greatest Television Event In History" will air on Adult Swim on June 6th.
Mama's Home On 'Glee'
"Glee" is bringing in Artie's mom into the picture and she's played by none other than Katey Sagal.
The "Sons of Anarchy" star and "Married ... With Children" veteran tweeted a photo of herself with her new TV son Artie (Kevin McHale) and "Glee" co-star Becca Tobin, who plays Kitty on the Fox series.
Gleefully being Artie's mom!!Sooo sweet!!Hangin with beautiful Becca and Awesome Kevin...Lovin it. twitter.com/Kateylous/stat…
— Katey Sagal (@Kateylous) April 10, 2013
Both Sagal and her "Glee" son have been tweeting about the upcoming episode.
Fox hasn't said when Sagal's episode will air, but the "Glee" season finale airs on May 9.
"Glee" airs Thursdays, 9 p.m. ET on Fox.
PHOTO: Baby Turtle Really Wants To Tell You Something
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We're not sure if this baby turtle is even real, but it is incredibly adorable. This little guy recently appeared on Reddit's Aww page, but was originally posted a year ago.
According to user Hayloo, the creature may be a Razor-backed musk turtle (Sternotherus carinatus). Referring to the turtle in the photo and several other pets, the submitter wrote, "I can't wait until they're bigger, but I'll miss them as babies."
Although pet turtles like this one are cute, they may also carry Salmonella on their skin and shells. The U.S. Food and Drug Administration recommends that consumers avoid purchasing small turtles for pets or as gifts. They also suggest, "[Keeping] reptiles and amphibians out of homes with children under 5 years old, the elderly, or people with weakened immune systems."
Wednesday, April 10, 2013
Tons Of New Comedy Coming To IFC
IFC intends to grow its comedy programming, as evidenced by the cable channel's announcement that they ordered three pilots and eight scripts for 2014.
Highlights of the announcement are a pilot built around Garfunkel & Oates, the female musical comedy duo made of up actress/musicians Riki Lindhome and Kate Micucci, and a script written by Megan Mullally ("Will & Grace," "Party Down") called "Two Idiots," about "a pair of odd women raised in an old world Beverly Hills hotel."
Lindhome and Micucci previously had a web series on HBO Go as Garfunkel & Oates.
Other highlights include a pilot from "Late Night with Jimmy Fallon" alums Michael Blieden and Eric Ledgin called "International Plan," about two friends travelling around the world looking for love; the animated pilot "Timms Industrial Piping" featuring the voice talents of Maria Bamford, Nick Kroll and John Lithgow, among others; and a script order of "Stupid Life," an adaptation of IFC "adopted comic" Chris Gethard's autobiography that will be executive produced by Tom Scharpling (best known as half of the comedy duo Scharpling & Wurster, and host of "The Best Show on WFMU").
The network also ordered scripts from other big names in comedy such as Matt Besser, Rich Fulcher, Kyle Dunnigan, Tim Long, Rob Schrab, Michael Davis and Damian Lanigan.
In addition to these shows, IFC is premiering "Maron" from comedian and podcaster Marc Maron on May 3, and have also announced the early stages of new shows from Will Ferrell, Ben Stiller and Bob Odenkirk. "Portlandia," the show that showed IFC that comedy was a viable angle for their original programming, will return for a fourth season in January 2014.
IFC's upfronts will be held in Manhattan Thursday night, where the network will presumably provide more details on the upcoming shows.
Read the full lineup of IFC's pilots and scripts here.
Floyd Elliot: Libertarians: Live Free or Die of Frostbite
Some weeks ago, a study by the libertarian Mercatus Center found that the freest state in the United Ss Of A is... envelope, please... North Dakota! Shocker! (Next year, Mississippi.) Especially considering that North Dakota just passed a probably unconstitutional bill to outlaw its last hanging-by-its-fingernails abortion clinic. But if you're looking for a low-tax no-regulations gun-slinging secondhand-smoke-inhaling straight-white-male wonderland, North Dakota's your kind of town.
North Dakota Office Of North Dakota: North Dakota!
Institute Of Libertarianology*: Hi. We'd like to ask you about your fine free state.
North Dakota: Shoot! Hee! It's funny, because we have no gun restrictions.
Institute Of Libertarianology: We were just going to ask you about that! I'll just put a check here under "Freedom Of Guns".
North Dakota: You can also make out with a fish here.
Institute Of Libertarianology: I'm totally keeping that in mind. Tell us more about your many freedoms.
North Dakota: We have all the freedoms. Unless you're a woman and want the freedom to control your own body. Because, as we say here in North Dakota, screw them.
Institute Of Libertarianology: Hey, we say that in DC too! If we're libertarians. So, how about freedom of gayness?
North Dakota: Absolutely. Unless you're gay and want to get married. Or adopt a kid. Or not be gay-bashed. Because, as we say here in North Dakota, screw them.
Institute Of Libertarianology: Cool. We don't care about that, because we're not gay. Okay, so now here's the big question -- think about this one before answering --
North Dakota: How about I just say the first thing that pops into my head? I've got a smoke/shooting break coming up. I might go make out with a fish too.
Institute Of Libertarianology: Sure! We knew all the answers before we ever started our research anyway. Well, "research". So... how's North Dakota on taxes and regulation?
North Dakota: Hate 'em! Apparently they make your bridges not fall down and your poor people not die. Like that's a thing. Because, as we say here in North Dakota, screw them.
Institute Of Libertarianology: Wow, can I move to your state?
North Dakota: Dunno. Nobody's ever wanted to before.
Now, I can't deny that people have moved to North Dakota over the past few years; I just can't for the life of me imagine why. The authors think they have a point to make about this so-called migration from "non-free" to "free" states, which I believe we can summarize as follows: Freedom yay! Non-freedom boo! Americans are voting with their feet! (Makes sense; thanks to all those restrictive GOP voter ID laws, that's the only way most Americans can vote now.) Americans are supposedly moving away from the least-free states, including New York, California, Hawaii, New Jersey and Rhode Island, to the most-free: North Dakota, South Dakota, Tennessee, Oklahoma and oh let's say Somalia. (Actually, New Hampshire; to a former Mainer like me, there's little difference.) Freedom! we theoretically cry as we load up our rusted-out '97 Infinitis and head to Oklahoma City to become dust-ranchers.
This shows why libertarian academics should not be allowed near statistics, any more than I should be allowed near fireworks (my apologies to the entire 800 block of N. State Street) and why they ought to have "Correlation Does Not Imply Causation" tattooed all over their bodies, à la Memento. People have moved to North Dakota because of an oil boom there -- and as Alex Pareene points out in Salon, that's super-stable and could never vanish; long-term, the population of North Dakota has actually declined. That the "freest" states in the Union have experienced recent minor upticks in population does not show that low taxes and no regulation make people want to live there. Populations fluctuate from year to year. Being a shithole is forever.
Quick thought experiment to illustrate this point: between Honolulu or the Dust Bowl hell-dimension of Tulsa (a characterization based purely on my time at the Tulsa airport and The Grapes Of Wrath), where would you rather live? How about San Francisco v. Fargo? Sure, you might have to gay-marry someone every now and then in San Francisco, but you won't wind up in a wood-chipper -- the leading cause of death in any Dakota, including a Dodge Dakota. And Tennessee? Other than Connie Britton and Hayden Panettiere singing awesome duets and bitching each other out in Nashville, what's the point? (I have a hard time separating real life from TV. Ask my BFF Tyrion Lannister.) Freedom's just another word for the best restaurant in town is Olive Garden.
Do even libertarians prefer the "free" states? Of the two authors of the study, one teaches in Buffalo, New York and the other at Texas State, just outside the People's Republic of Austin. Now, Buffalo resembles no one's idea of paradise (unless you're into wings or Ani Difranco or possibly winged Ani Difrancos), but note: one of the authors of this study would rather teach in Soviet Buffalo than the University Of F'rinstance South Dakota. The Mercatus Center is housed at George Mason University, a public (!) school near DC. I look forward to hearing of the authors' and the Institute's relocation to the windswept steppes of North Dakota. Live free or die, guys. And don't forget to make out with a fish.
*Really the Mercatus Center, but my name's better. Don't cage my soul, man!
5 Celebrities Who Twitter Thinks Are Similar To Amanda Bynes
Amanda Bynes has made headlines recently for some of her outrageous tweets. The 27-year-old former Nickelodeon star has used Twitter to announce a number of things, including:
"I have a crush on who u used to be."
"I have an eating disorder so I have a hard time staying thin."
"When you write me on twitter and I ignore you it's because I plan on ignoring you on twitter and in life forever."
And of course:
"I want @drake to murder my vagina."
It's safe to say that Bynes has set herself apart from most celebrities when it comes to her Twitter account, yet there a number of celebs Twitter thinks are "similar to Amanda Bynes:"
According to Twitter, the suggestions are based on "several factors, including people you follow and the people they follow," but somehow we don't think the celebrities they suggested would like to be thought of as "similar to Amanda Bynes," at this point.
View the original article here
Wednesday, March 6, 2013
Jerry Zezima: 'Now That's Italian!'
As a nice Italian boy, as well as a former runner-up in the Newman's Own & Good Housekeeping Recipe Contest for a dish I called Zezima's Zesty Ziti Zinger, I have many remembrances of things pasta.
Aside from being a flash in the pan, however, I can barely boil spaghetti.
So I recently took a class in which I learned how to make ravioli.
The class, at the Brookhaven Free Library on Long Island, N.Y., was given by Richard Kanowsky, whose last name isn't Italian and whose immediate family is as culinarily challenged as I am.
"My mom is horrible in the kitchen," Chef Richard said. "My dad, too."
But his maternal grandmother was "a really good cook," he said. "I learned from her."
Although Chef Richard's ethnic background includes Russian, German, Dutch, French and Czech, his grandmother was half-Sicilian. "It qualifies me to make ravioli," he said.
"My ethnic background includes Martian," I told him. "Otherwise, I'm Italian. My mom is a great cook. My wife and my mother-in-law are of Italian descent. They're great cooks, too. Unfortunately," I added, "it doesn't qualify me to make ravioli."
"We'll fix that," promised Chef Richard, who was impressed that I beat out all but one person in a field of thousands in the national recipe contest. "What was your secret?" he asked.
"Red wine and vodka," I responded. "Paul Newman loved my dish. I told him I fed some to my dog to see if it was all right. He asked if my dog was still alive. When I said yes, he wolfed the stuff down like he hadn't eaten in a week. That he and my dog have since passed on is merely a coincidence."
After going over his professional background -- he has cooked at the Ritz-Carlton in Boston and at Carnegie Hall in New York City and co-owns Kanobley Catering on Long Island -- Chef Richard told the dozen class members that we would be rolling in dough.
"That," he explained, "is why I asked you to bring rolling pins."
Although Chef Richard had already made the dough we would be using in the class, he demonstrated how it's done so we could do it at home. The ingredients were flour, eggs, olive oil, heavy cream and kosher salt. The process involved making a well, or a large hole in the middle, and using a fork to stir the egg mixture into the flour and collapsing the well walls.
"You knead the dough," Chef Richard noted.
"No kidding," I said to Toni Anne, who was sitting next to me. "I ought to play Powerball."
After Chef Richard gave us eggs, cheese, flour and bags of dough, he handed out powdered rubber gloves and showed us how to roll pieces of dough, cut them into smaller pieces, squeeze a small mound of cheese onto each piece, use a pastry brush to apply the beaten eggs to the edges and fold over the dough, using our fingertips to push air out of the ravioli.
"If there's an air pocket," he said, "the ravioli could explode in boiling water."
Chef Richard went around the class to inspect our work. When he got to me, he said, "Your ravioli could be served in a restaurant."
"Tell the Ritz-Carlton I'm available," I said.
Then I took my dozen ravioli home to cook for myself and my wife, Sue.
I plopped them into a pot of boiling water. They didn't explode. I drained them, put them in a bowl, covered them in tomato sauce and served a ravioli to Sue.
"Delicious," she said. "It didn't break apart. You did a good job."
Coming from a great Italian cook, it was the ultimate compliment. Paul Newman would have loved it.
Stamford Advocate columnist Jerry Zezima is the author of "Leave It to Boomer." Visit his blog at www.jerryzezima.blogspot.com. Email: JerryZ111@optonline.net.
View the original article here
Aside from being a flash in the pan, however, I can barely boil spaghetti.
So I recently took a class in which I learned how to make ravioli.
The class, at the Brookhaven Free Library on Long Island, N.Y., was given by Richard Kanowsky, whose last name isn't Italian and whose immediate family is as culinarily challenged as I am.
"My mom is horrible in the kitchen," Chef Richard said. "My dad, too."
But his maternal grandmother was "a really good cook," he said. "I learned from her."
Although Chef Richard's ethnic background includes Russian, German, Dutch, French and Czech, his grandmother was half-Sicilian. "It qualifies me to make ravioli," he said.
"My ethnic background includes Martian," I told him. "Otherwise, I'm Italian. My mom is a great cook. My wife and my mother-in-law are of Italian descent. They're great cooks, too. Unfortunately," I added, "it doesn't qualify me to make ravioli."
"We'll fix that," promised Chef Richard, who was impressed that I beat out all but one person in a field of thousands in the national recipe contest. "What was your secret?" he asked.
"Red wine and vodka," I responded. "Paul Newman loved my dish. I told him I fed some to my dog to see if it was all right. He asked if my dog was still alive. When I said yes, he wolfed the stuff down like he hadn't eaten in a week. That he and my dog have since passed on is merely a coincidence."
After going over his professional background -- he has cooked at the Ritz-Carlton in Boston and at Carnegie Hall in New York City and co-owns Kanobley Catering on Long Island -- Chef Richard told the dozen class members that we would be rolling in dough.
"That," he explained, "is why I asked you to bring rolling pins."
Although Chef Richard had already made the dough we would be using in the class, he demonstrated how it's done so we could do it at home. The ingredients were flour, eggs, olive oil, heavy cream and kosher salt. The process involved making a well, or a large hole in the middle, and using a fork to stir the egg mixture into the flour and collapsing the well walls.
"You knead the dough," Chef Richard noted.
"No kidding," I said to Toni Anne, who was sitting next to me. "I ought to play Powerball."
After Chef Richard gave us eggs, cheese, flour and bags of dough, he handed out powdered rubber gloves and showed us how to roll pieces of dough, cut them into smaller pieces, squeeze a small mound of cheese onto each piece, use a pastry brush to apply the beaten eggs to the edges and fold over the dough, using our fingertips to push air out of the ravioli.
"If there's an air pocket," he said, "the ravioli could explode in boiling water."
Chef Richard went around the class to inspect our work. When he got to me, he said, "Your ravioli could be served in a restaurant."
"Tell the Ritz-Carlton I'm available," I said.
Then I took my dozen ravioli home to cook for myself and my wife, Sue.
I plopped them into a pot of boiling water. They didn't explode. I drained them, put them in a bowl, covered them in tomato sauce and served a ravioli to Sue.
"Delicious," she said. "It didn't break apart. You did a good job."
Coming from a great Italian cook, it was the ultimate compliment. Paul Newman would have loved it.
Stamford Advocate columnist Jerry Zezima is the author of "Leave It to Boomer." Visit his blog at www.jerryzezima.blogspot.com. Email: JerryZ111@optonline.net.
View the original article here
'Silver Spoons' Reunion Alert!
There was a "Silver Spoons" reunion earlier in March 2013. Ricky Schroder, Erin Gray and Joel Higgins reunited at the Friars Club's “So You Think You Can Roast!?” event.
"Silver Spoons" ran from 1982-1987 and launched Schroder to TV stardom. On the series, Schroder played Ricky Stratton, the son of millionaires. Higgins and Gray played his parents, Kate Summers Stratton and Edward Stratton III for the show's five seasons. According to Gray, this was the first time the three of them have gathered since the series wrapped.
View the original article here
"Silver Spoons" ran from 1982-1987 and launched Schroder to TV stardom. On the series, Schroder played Ricky Stratton, the son of millionaires. Higgins and Gray played his parents, Kate Summers Stratton and Edward Stratton III for the show's five seasons. According to Gray, this was the first time the three of them have gathered since the series wrapped.
View the original article here
Bryan Young: Exclusive: MAD Magazine Takes Over Batman's Cover...
The usual gang of idiots over at MAD Magazine know that the best way to get eyeballs on their work is to forcibly take over the space held by better, more popular books.
As a birthday present for Alfred E. Neuman (whose birthday is April Fool's Day, go figure) they launched an all out offensive (emphasis on offensive) against the DC offices of Batman comics.
We're unveiling to you exclusively the desecrated cover of Batman #19, written by Scott Snyder and with art by Andy Kubert and Sandra Hope. The original cover to Batman #19 teases the idea that Bruce Wayne might be using a gun, which is antithetical to his moral code.
"Who would cause Bruce Wayne to use a gun?" the tease asks.
I know. Alfred E. Neuman.
The legendary, longtime "idiot" from MAD, Al Jaffee, is responsible for the fold-in style cover for Batman. I don't want to make their heads too big by saying how much I like it, so I won't say anything at all. If you're on the fence about picking this issue up, though, I wouldn't hesitate. Scott Snyder's run on Batman has been fantastic and Andy Kubert is a phenomenal artist.
This issue hits newsstands on April 10, 2013, which is a bit late for Alfred's birthday, but that's par for the course for the "gents" at MAD.
Bryan Young is an author and the editor-in-chief of the geek news and review site Big Shiny Robot!
Rabbi Michael Bernstein: Sacred And Not-So-Sacred Cows: Humor And The Golden Calf
Someone I know used to have a mug that said "Sacred cows make the best hamburgers." This pithy statement captures part of what is at stake when we declare certain things to be off limits, taboo or untouchable. Of course, the flip side of the question is are there any targets that should in fact be declared off limits, taboo or untouchable?
This was a good week to ask that question.
Hosting the Academy Awards in front of a purported 1 billion viewers, Seth MacFarlane decided nothing was too sacred and nothing too profane. He racked up hits on topics as crass as in which movies famous actresses can be seen undressed, as graphic as the manner of Lincoln's assassination, as ugly as the physically abusive relationship between Chris Brown and Rihanna, and as poisonous as pretending that Hollywood is run by a secret Jewish cabal that meets at a synagogue. Some of it was even funny. All of it, however, triggered the conversation so ingrained in our society over what is allowed and not allowed to be joked about, and who gets to judge what is too sensitive, too hurtful, or too ignorant to be funny?
Interestingly, in addition to MacFarlane's performance, this past week seemed to have featured an above average number of stories involving this question. Also on Oscar night, The Onion, a satirical paper known for irreverently skewering everyone and everything, tweeted a short, extremely obscene message purporting that deep down lots of people want to call 9-year-old best actress nominee Quvenzhane Wallis a very not nice word. Later, (alleged) comedienne Joan Rivers, never one to filter, reached for the Holocaust to find a reference point in talking about the "hotness" of German supermodel Heidi Klum. And Dov Hikind, an Orthodox Jewish Assemblyman representing Brooklyn, painted his face dark to dress up as what he referred to as a "black basketball player" for a Purim party.
Only Hikind, of course, justified his behavior as a celebration of Purim. His excuse did not fly very far with the public as an explanation for how anyone, let alone a public figure who represents diverse constituents, could deem it acceptable to dress in a way that makes fun of another group of people. Not to mention that he employed "blackface," whose shameful history creates an even greater offense. (Here's The Daily Show's incomparable take on it.) Still, the Purim holiday, celebrated last week, has become an occasion for not only dressing up in outlandish costumes, but for roasting up those sacred cows.
Last week, we read of a very different cow, the Golden Calf molded by the Children of Israel out of impatience and loss of faith in Moses and G*d. When he sees the sight of such debauchery and idolatry, Moses hurls down the very stone tablets on which the law against graven images was engraved in the first place. So in the end, it is not only the not-so-sacred golden cow that gets broken into pieces.
The rabbinic tradition teaches that Moses' act met with G*d's approval and therefore, when the time came to place the Ten Commandments into the Holy Ark to accompany the people of Israel for all time, they included along with the intact second set of tablets the shards of the original. Among the many lessons these shards convey, is the idea that it is important to break the idols from time to time, even those that we hold to be sacred. Taking that task to heart carries with it responsibilty, particularly for those who hold power over and influence people.
When it comes to the role of humor it would be pointless to try to judge what lives up to this responsibility, let alone what succeeds as a joke. Power is dynamic, not static. It does not lend itself to absolute rules of conduct and propriety, and therefore, neither will humor. However, the act of purposefully thinking about the roles we play and what power we wield, matters and must be considered an integral part of what defines the impact of our language and our actions. Including those that are intended to push the envelope, or even slay the sacred cows.
Jonathan Ames Updates 'Bored To Death' Movie Progress
Jonathan Ames recently took New York Magazine on an outing to discuss his new Byliner novella You Were Never Really Here as well as the film adaptation of his canceled HBO show Bored to Death (which he's working on in addition to adaptations of Bernard Malamud's Pictures of Fidelman and Donald Westlake's 361).
Tuesday, March 5, 2013
Rebekah Iliff: Study: Polytechnologiae -- The Next Human Relationship Revolution?
Polytechnologiae (from the Greek poly, meaning "many" or "several" and Latin technologiae meaning "technology") is the practice, desire, or acceptance of having more than one virtual relationship at a time with the knowledge and consent (albeit much to the confusion) of everyone involved, often in a cross-platform environment. It is distinct from both "mono-technologiae," which emphasizes surface-level relationships with one individual via one social network (i.e., Twitter or Facebook) or platform (iPhone or iPad) as merely recreational; and "poly-socialization," which is the cultivation of surface-level relationships with both genders via multiple social networks, mostly just for narcissistic purposes.
Polytechnologiae, often abbreviated as just "polytech," is frequently described as "consensual, ethical, and responsible" technologically enhanced non-commitment, with the outcomes varying from feelings of emptiness-slash-loneliness, to brief "fixes" of fake intimacy. The word is sometimes used in a broader sense to refer to technology-driven relationships that have no actual intention of real-world application. Furthermore, there is extreme disagreement on how quickly this term has been adopted by "hipsters" and "freedom from responsibility" seekers in tech-friendly, urban environments across the globe.
Distinguishing polytechnologiae from traditional forms of technologically enhanced non-commitment methods (e.g., "sexting") is an ideology that openness, goodwill, truthful (and oft tawdry) communication with multiple parties across technology platforms, should trump any attempt at actual intimacy or obligation to real world relationships (let alone monogamous, physical relationships). However, an emphasis on relative principles, honesty, and transparency is regarded as the vital characteristic of polytechnologiae, and usage of SnapChat or Facebook's Poke is highly recommended for best (and safe) practices.
As of September 2012, it was estimated that 18.2 million polytechnologiae relationships existed in the U.S. alone. This does not include relationships with origins in the U.S. that are international in nature, as Skype would not publicly release key data for this study.
Scott Bateman: What Are Horses? Ask Disalmanac! (VIDEO)
How often has this happened to you: You're at a party, and everyone's talking about horses. But you can't join in the conversation, because you have no idea what horses are. Pretty often, we're betting.
This new ASK DISALMANAC video is for you: everything you need to know about horses, in about a minute. Take note
WATCH: How To Not Get Hired On 'SNL'
Comedian Jon Glaser has had a big year: He's had big guest spots on two zeitgeist-y shows, "Girls" (as an ex-junkie with a crush on Hannah) and "Parks and Recreation" (as a councilman who hates Leslie). Plus, his own Adult Swim series, "Delocated," about a man in Witness Protection who happens to have his own reality show, sees its series finale this Thursday, March 7.
HuffPost Live's Ricky Camilleri interviewed Glaser about his long career in comedy on Friday. At least, he attempted to conduct the interview, but in typical Jon Glaser fashion, Jon was more content to make fun of the host and the very idea of the interview.
In the clip above, Jon tells his story about getting rejected from "SNL" after deciding that the show was sorely lacking in impressions of King Hussein of Jordan.
View the original article here
HuffPost Live's Ricky Camilleri interviewed Glaser about his long career in comedy on Friday. At least, he attempted to conduct the interview, but in typical Jon Glaser fashion, Jon was more content to make fun of the host and the very idea of the interview.
In the clip above, Jon tells his story about getting rejected from "SNL" after deciding that the show was sorely lacking in impressions of King Hussein of Jordan.
View the original article here
Katla McGlynn: 'The Walking Dead' Recap: Captain Morgan Returns
This week's episode of "The Walking Dead" was a refreshing departure from the Prison vs. Woodbury plot line -- in fact, it avoided both of those locations all togehter -- and turned a run for supplies into a four-character story that could hold our attention for 42 minutes.
The sight of Rick, Carl and Michonne on the road together in the "family" vehicle set the tone for the rest of the episode, as the three of them would bond before getting back in it at the end of the day (and yes, I did imagine that these three might break off into a wacky sitcom spinoff, but that's just my dream). After a little car trouble, they made a point of blowing past a non-walker hitchhiker screaming for help on the roadside, solidifying the message of Season 3 thus far: that the living are to be feared even more than the dead. Still, it was haunting to watch them drive away knowing full well what's going to happen to this guy:
The trio made their way to Rick and Carl's neck of the woods for guns, ammo and supplies, only to find the police station arsenal had been completely depleted since it was first raided in season one. The town had obviously been "claimed," but unlike Woodbury, there were crude barricades and booby traps set up everywhere to injure and ward off both walkers and humans, and no other sign of civilization. That is, until a rooftop shooter appeared, fully armored, and demanded they drop their weapons and leave. Little did they know, until Carl got trigger-happy at exactly the right moment, that the man behind the riot gear was Morgan: Rick's neighbor and the first man to help him after he woke up from his coma at the beginning of the series.
But back to the booby traps. Not only were they intricate and everywhere, they were ironic, too!
After Carl shot Morgan (he was wearing a bullet-proof vest) they attempted to drag the unconscious man into his "Not Shitting You" den, but first had to pass through a series of traps. There they found the jail's full arsenal and then some. There were more than enough guns to ward off the Governor. But the bad news? Morgan had completely lost his mind. There was chalk writing all over the black walls, showing Morgan has accumulated enough twisted life experience to make him even crazier than Rick, especially since he has been suffering alone. If only walkers didn't kill the Internet ...
Rick insisted that they wait for Morgan to wake up instead of just looting his fortress. He gave Carl the go-ahead to head outside into the town to find a crib for baby Judith, on the condition that Michonne came along. By the way, I love this new talkative Michonne. She probably spoke more in this episode than any other, and we start to experience the tough love that Andrea recieved while they were living together in the woods. Michonne and Carl have a funny dynamic, since they both take themselves so seriously. Carl has proven himself an adult about a hundred times over but he still has to ask permission from his dad to go outside, and Michonne provided a buffer like the big sister or babysitter he never had/desperately needed.
Meanwhile, we saw Rick talking to an unconscious body (which has become somewhat of a "Walking Dead" tradition) when all of a sudden, Morgan awoke with a start and attacked Rick with a knife! He screamed that the he didn't know him, or anyone, even though Rick tried profusely to remind him. It was very intense!
Anyway, Rick was okay despite being stabbed in the chest and patched himself up before the episode's heaviest moment: his heart-wrenching chat with Morgan. Even after he finally calmed down and remembered Rick, it was not a happy reunion. The sight of Morgan's walkie talkie reminded us of the many times Rick tried to reach out to this man, and he told him that, but Morgan isn't exactly an "It's the thought that counts" kind of guy right now. He was angry with Rick for giving him hope and then never finding him. And who could blame him? He pointed out the sick irony that Rick gave him a gun to shoot his wife, who had turned, only to chicken out and later have his son TURNED INTO A WALKER BY HIS MOM. Yeesh! He made Rick's apocalyptic path thus far seem easy by comparison. Rick didn't argue, but side note: can we get a supercut of Rick frustratedly saying, "I had no choice!"? I feel like he says that a whole lot.
I also wanted to point out that Morgan, however disturbed, had the most poignant line of the episode, and maybe even the season so far: "The good people, they always die. And the bad people do too. But the weak people, the people like me? We have inherited the Earth." Deep, Morgan. Deep.
But back to Carl and Michonne. They used a new innovation of the zombified world to sneak into a cafe so Carol could retrieve a family photo. I like to call it the reverse mouse trap:
Rats in cages on wheels distracted the walkers so that they could snatch the heirloom, a photo of Carl, Lori and Rick in happier times. Michonne helped Carl secure it and they instantly bonded, creating one of the few "feel good" moments the show has had in a while. This scene reminded me that the small group dynamic of the show -- the way it was before there were towns and farms and prisons to worry about -- is why I fell in love with it to begin with. Oh, and I almost forgot! Michonne snatched up something amazing for herself from the cafe, a rainbow "hunchcat" statuette that has absolutley no post-apocalyptic purprose, but was "just too damn gorgeous" to leave behind. MICHONNE FOREVER.
As the episode wound down, Rick pleaded with Morgan to return with them to the prison. But Morgan, now with incredible clarity, knew Rick's offer of shelter meant nothing if they had to take all the guns back with them. He knew they were at war, not just with walkers, but with the living. He let them take some of his guns but stayed behind, presumably with no hard feelings. After Carl said he was sorry for shooting him, he responded, "Never Apologize." At this rate, Carl is going to be the most hardened person in the group by next year.
The episode almost ended on a happy note, when Carl told his dad that Michonne is "one of us," while Rick bonded with her after she confessed that she knew about his little "vision" problem and used to see her dead boyfriend as well. Oh yeah, and she said "boyfriend," for those of you were still holding out hope for a sexy Michonne/Andrea "survival sex" flashback (but hey, you never know). But surprise! the hitchhiker from the top of the episode was reduced to a smear of blood and guts on the road on the way home. They didn't say anything, but they did pull over to loot his pack, so that's .... good, I guess.
What did you think of this week's non-prison/Woodbury episode? The preview for the next episode implies that Andrea is arranging some kind of negotiation between the Governor and Rick. Will it all go down at Woodbury next week? And where is Michonne going to put that crazy cat? Let me know what you think in the comments.
Brian Joyce: Ann Romney Takes on the Media
Rich white guys just can't get a fair shake these days. Case in point: Mitt Romney.
Remember Mitt Romney? He's the well-coiffed, policy-challenged Republican who lost to Barack Obama in the 2012 election.
Romney lost the election for a variety of reasons. First, he has no personality. Second, he has no personality. Third, he managed to piss off a large percentage of the electorate -- 47 percent of the electorate, to be exact -- by suggesting they're too lazy to get a job and pay their taxes.
Did I mention that he also has no personality?
All of this, plus the fact that Romney's policies just didn't match his numbers, are a good reason why Barack Obama is now serving a second term in Washington, and Mitt Romney is pumping his own gas and squeezing out grandkids in La Jolla, California.
But in case you thought it was Mitt Romney's fault that he lost the election, Ann Romney has a different take. The wife of Mitt Romney says it wasn't her husband's fault that he lost the race. Ann Romney says it's the media's fault -- and Barack Obama's fault!
In an interview with Chris Wallace on Fox News Sunday, Ann Romney said her husband lost the race because the media didn't give him a "fair shake." Complaining that the voters "didn't get to know Mitt for who he was," Mrs. Mitt Romney blamed the media and the Obama campaign for portraying her husband in a negative light.
"I think that any time you're running for office, you always think that you're being portrayed unfairly," Ann Romney told Wallace. "Of course on our side, [we] believe there is more bias in favor of the other side. I think that's a pretty universally felt opinion."
First, I have to credit Chris Wallace for even putting Ann and Mitt Romney on the air. Like many Americans, I had forgotten that the Romneys' opinion still matters. Then Chris Wallace gave them 30-plus minutes on Fox News to air their grievances against the media, Obama, and anybody else who, in their opinion, was in the bag for the president. Thank you, Chris Wallace! Without you and Fox News, I never would have known that Republicans still think it's everybody else's fault that they lost in 2012.
Forget about the fact that Mitt Romney has no personality. Forget about the fact that he alienated 47 percent of the electorate. Forget about the fact that Mitt Romney's policies didn't match his numbers when it came to national defense, deficit reduction, or the economy. To hear Ann Romney tell it, Million Dollar Mitt would be president today... if he could just get a fair shake!
Because, as we all know, you can't win an election without getting a fair shake from the media. Nobody has ever won an election without getting a fair shake from the media! Certainly not Barack Hussein Obama, the Nazi from Indonesia who wants to kill your grandmother, steal your guns, convert you to Islam, destroy capitalism, butcher your unborn babies, suspend the 22nd Amendment, run for a 3rd term, and do it all over again. He was never portrayed in a negative light by anyone. That's why he won in 2012. Right, Ann Romney?
And forget about George W. Bush, the draft dodger who went AWOL during Vietnam but still managed to win two terms in the White House. It must have been the fair shake he got from Dan Rather that put him in the White House.
What about Bill Clinton? Surely it was all those rumors that he killed Vince Foster that won him the White House. Remember, you can't win the White House if you don't get a fair shake from the media.
When, oh when, will Ann Romney, Mitt Romney, and the rest of the GOP admit that they lost in 2012 because they had a bad candidate who just couldn't score the votes he needed to win? Probably never. In the meantime, they'll blame the media, the Obama campaign, government handouts, welfare queen, and anybody else for losing the election for them. They'll insist it was everybody else's fault -- not theirs -- that Mitt Romney lost in 2012. And they'll expect us to believe it.
Because remember, rich white guys just can't get a fair shake these days.
Andy Samberg's Fiancé Spends '7 Minutes In Heaven'
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In the latest installment of web series/excuse to kiss celebrities, "7 Minutes In Heaven," "Saturday Night Live" writer Mike O'Brien chats with musician (and Andy Samberg fiancé) Joanna Newsom.
Watch as Mike and Joanna eat chicken, wear hoodies, show children the "Evil clowns who will haunt your house if you ever try drugs," and drop a mini keyboard onto the aforementioned chicken above. Click here fore more "7 Minutes" goodness.
Monday, March 4, 2013
FOWL CHAPEL: Church In Florida Is Giving You The Bird
A congregation in Florida is crying fowl after pictures of its chapel made the Internet rounds this week for an unholy reason: the building looks like a chicken.
The "Chicken Church" -- also known as Church by the Sea in Madeira Beach -- went viral when a photographer noticed that, from just the right angle, the structure's round windows look like eyes and its roofing tiles resemble wings and a beak. Tourists now line up to take pictures of the visage.
GALLERY (Story continues below):
Dee Dee Parker, a longtime member of the church, told the Daily Mail that the Holy Cluck is "funny" and she welcomes the newfound popularity. But church employees interviewed by The Huffington Post disagree.
"We're not fond of it being called the 'Chicken Church,'" an employee, who asked not to be named, told HuffPost Weird News. "It's attracting people to us for all the wrong reasons. I don't think they're attracted to come in and worship, I think they're making fun of it."
She said that chapel, built in 1944, was not designed to look like a clucker.
HuffPost Weird News also called the chicken experts nearby -- employees at Hooters -- and a manager there refused to comment.
Two Words: Moonwalking Pony
Thursday, February 28, 2013
19 People Stuck In The Friend Zone
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The "friend zone" is a place in which no one wants to be, whether it means you're holding a purse, assisting with a shopping date or, in the case of the guy above, literally letting someone walk all over you.
But being stuck in the friend zone is a common occurrence in today's society. So common, in fact, that the phrase has recently been added to Oxford English Dictionary as, "a situation in which a platonic relationship exists between two people, one of whom has an undeclared romantic or sexual interest in the other." Unfortuantely for the 19 "best friends" below, that is exactly the situation they are stuck in.
These guys go above and beyond with their friendship duties and we think any girl would be lucky to have them. Check out 19 people who are stuck in the friend zone below and let’s hope they make it out alive.
Ben McKenzie On His Surprising 'OC' Fans
Some might think that Ben McKenzie left "The OC" behind when he swapped his wife beater and fists of fury for a police uniform and a gun. But believe it or not, McKenzie's small-screen career choices have one little thing in common: prison.
Eliza Hurwitz: What I Did During The Oscars
When the stars were arriving on the red carpet, looking beautiful in their designer duds, I was making my own outfit change. I took off the dirty jeans and old tee-shirt I had worn all day and slipped into something a bit more comfortable, a bit more my style: a ratty pair of sweatpants and a worn-in hoodie. These two items of clothing complimented each other perfectly and I like to think my look was comparable to that of Jane Fonda: timeless.
While Jennifer Lawrence won her first Oscar, I was eating a bowl of cereal -- like a star. I had the perfect ratio of milk to cereal. This is a rare occurrence in my life, and everyone else's life, for that matter. It was a feat I am proud to have accomplished and I am sure it will not be the last time I pull it off. I'd like to thank my mother for instilling a love of cereal in me and reminding me how special I am, in terms of my cereal choices.
As the Oscars crept on and awards were being earned left and right, I was tossing and turning with indecision. Should I get more cereal or should I end the night on a positive note with my one perfect creation? If I have another bowl, perhaps I can recreate the magic. I felt just as nervous and unsure as Ang Lee before they announced he'd won best director. I opted to have one more small bowl. I remained courageous and hopeful and it paid off. I struck gold twice, just like Ang Lee!
When Ben Affleck won best picture. I was sleeping. I slept so soundly that I'd have to say my slumber was definitely award-worthy. I didn't move once and I slept with a smile on my face, due to the fact that I dreamt about buying a car on Craigslist. At first it was boring because I was just looking online, but then I really challenged myself to dream big and in the dream, I found myself the proud owner of a 2003 Jetta for only $3,200 dollars, which was a stunning victory. I'd like to thank the two bowls of cereal I had eaten before bed. Not only was I still beaming from the fact that I had created the perfect bowl, twice, but I think the sugary carbs helped me fall asleep and increased my brain activity for the night, allowing me to pull off the car deal.
Here's to the Academy Awards, or as I like to call it, a Sunday night in February where for once, I didn't regret eating all those carbs.
Wednesday, February 27, 2013
Susan McCorkindale: Home Decor Therapy
I sat on the scrumptious white twill slipcovered sofa and my boyfriend, Chris, sat next to me, holding my hand. Bob sat across from us, holding a notepad and a pen. He didn't say anything, just kind of looked at me like, It's OK, take your time. I'll wait. I didn't know where to start, couldn't even recall how Chris and I had reached this point so quickly in our relationship. One minute we were going along, getting to know each other, dancing in the produce department at Wegmans and sickening my younger son with our public displays of affection, and the next, we were here. With issues. Issues we were about to unload on a man we just met.
I could barely look at Bob, his kind face, and his speckled brown sweater and crisp, Jerry Seinfeld-style pressed blue jeans, so I killed a few seconds staring at the gorgeous pine coffee table in front of us. It was piled high with glossy hardcover books and cream-colored candles in glistening hurricane glasses, the combined effect of which was to make you feel comfortable, at home, and ever-so-slightly envious because your home doesn't have a single item of furniture the dogs haven't turned into a chew toy. At least mine doesn't.
Of course, it was also designed to make you relax and pour your heart out which, after a really long minute, I started to do.
"There are all these guns, you know? Sniper rifles and shotguns all over the place." I offered tentatively. "Skulls, too. Deer skulls mostly, and one that belonged to a bear."
"Guns and skulls," Bob repeated, looking me right in the eyes. "Sounds scary."
"It is," I replied softly. "And there's, like, hatchets and saws and what look like leg irons hanging on the walls." I paused and glanced from Bob, who was busy writing on his notepad, back to the perfectly-appointed pine table and down at the fluffy white area rug beneath my feet. Between my 14-year-old and his friends, my knack for spilling whatever I'm eating or drinking and the dogs' unsurpassed talent for vomiting on every available surface, I wouldn't give it or the sofa sixty seconds in my house.
"Hatchets and leg irons and skulls, oh my." Bob said, smiling gently. "What else?"
"A four-foot iguana," I replied, looking at Chris. "It escaped from its cage and now, well, God knows where it is." I shuddered at the thought of that damn reptile camped out under the kitchen sink or on a shelf in the closet, just waiting to pounce on me.
"You figure it's going to get you, huh?" He said, reading my mind.
I nodded.
"I get the sense there's something else," he prodded.
What is it with these guys? I wondered. How do they always know when you're holding back? Maybe coming here wasn't the best move after all. I mean, I'm all for getting things off my chest, but this was about to become embarrassing. I took a deep breath, looked Bob right in the eyes, and said, Screw it. I'm telling him the truth. Otherwise this is a waste of time.
"Well, there's this oosik."
"Oosik?" Bob asked.
"It's um, a, you know," I stammered, wishing I could just sink into the sofa. "An organ that used to belong to a walrus."
Bob's eyes grew wide. "Wow. Poor guy probably misses it."
If he doesn't, Mrs. Walrus certainly does, I thought to myself. The freakin' thing's two feet long.
"And the newspapers," Chris offered, squeezing my hand. "You need to tell him about the newspapers,"
I hesitated. I didn't think Bob could help with that and, besides, I didn't want the man to think I was completely crazy. Chris thought otherwise though, and proceeded to confess for me. "There's a pile of newspapers she's convinced is going to attack her in the night."
"Skulls, guns, an AWOL iguana, a walrus... appendage," Bob said gently, looking up at me over the rim of his reading glasses, "and clutter. Those'll strike fear in the heart of any woman."
Ya got that right, I thought.
"Sounds like a real man cave," he continued, turning to Chris. "All that's missing is a moose head over the fireplace."
"It's an elk," I said.
"A twelve-point elk," Chris clarified.
Our new confidant didn't bat an eye. Clearly, he expected such revelations. The guy was a pro. Totally used to seeing couples like us and totally able, I hoped, to help us.
"Alright then," he replied, placing his notepad on the table and folding his hands in front of him. "Tell me, what specifically brought you here today?"
You mean beyond the mammal baculum, the weaponry and the Tower of London-like torture devices my man uses as decorative accessories?
"His Cat in the Hat couch," I whispered, flooded simultaneously with guilt at badmouthing my honey's expensive sofa, and relief at finally telling someone about the frighteningly uncomfortable, creepily curved Early Lorax-period perch smack in the center of Chris's living room. A sofa so narrow, not even little Cindy Lou Who could sit on it without falling off and breaking her little Who butt.
"Yeah," Chris added, "she says my couch looks like something Dr. Seuss designed."
"And the rug?" Bob asked, knowing exactly what I was going to say.
"Zebra skin," I responded.
He looked at Chris. "You know that's gonna have to go, too, right? Plus the sofa, a couple skulls, the guns. And I suggest putting Mr. Walrus's privates in storage, if you want her to be comfortable. Women like warmth, candles, flowers -- "
"I have plants," Chris interjected, practically pleading. "You like the plants, right?"
"You mean the two huge Venus Fly Traps flanking the fireplace?" I replied, giving him a quick kiss on the cheek. "Absolutely. They complement the elk head." I squeezed his knee. "Seriously sweetheart, you're to be congratulated. You've created the perfect man cave."
"Sounds to me like all that's missing is a pool table and a bar."
"They're in the basement." I smiled.
"Along with a wine cellar, flat screen TV, dart board, the whole shebang," Chris replied.
At that we all laughed and Bob -- patient, knowing Bob -- said the words I'd been hoping to hear since we sat down.
"OK, I can definitely help you two. Come on. We'll start with sofas, then circle back around to the other stuff." And then he grabbed his notepad, stood and added, "We've got some really beautiful chests you might like for storing the skulls, Susan, and, if you fold it up right, maybe even the rug."
Bet I could tuck the oosik in there too, I thought.
"Sound good?" Bob prompted.
"Sounds great," Chris replied standing and pulling me up with him. "You feel better now?"
"Absolutely," I replied, wrapping my arm around his waist and following Bob toward the front of the store. "You know how I love Pottery Barn."
Stallin' Episode Three!
Everyone knows that the best conversations happen in the ladies' bathroom. So that's exactly where we shot our first web series, Stallin' with Dave Hill. For our third episode, Dave sat down with rising stand-up comedian and "Best Week Ever" cast member Michael Che!
Che has made a name for himself in the New York stand-up scene and was recently listed on Rolling Stone's "50 Funniest People Now". During his visit to our office bathroom set, Che talked about being a "native" New Yorker, the first time he ever did stand-up and how public restrooms are like the police ("I don't want to use it, but I like to know it's always there") among other, slightly more scatological things.
Watch Che's interview above and also be sure to check out episode one with John Hodgman and episode two with Nikki Glaser and Sara Schaefer.
TBS Picks Up Talk Show To Follow 'Conan'
Comedian Pete Holmes is getting his own talk show to follow "Conan" on TBS, representatives from Turner and Conaco announced Tuesday. The currently untitled show will air at midnight beginning in the fall of 2013, and will be given an initial four-week test run.
Holmes, 33, has been a rising star in the stand-up world for several years. He was named one of Variety's Comics to Watch in 2011, and has performed stand-up on several late night talk shows. In addition to writing for sitcoms, Holmes voices characters on Comedy Central's "Ugly Americans" and is the voice of the eTrade baby in their popular commercials.
He also is the host of the popular podcast "You Made it Weird" on the Nerdist network, which features Holmes interviewing his peers in the world of comedy.
"Pete Holmes is an enormously likable performer with an agile and innovative mind," said Conan O’Brien, whose production company, Conaco, is producing the show. "I’m really looking forward to his show, and I’ve already had my son program my DVR."
Last August, Holmes hosted several test pilots for the show at O'Brien's studio, then tentatively titled "The Midnight Show with Pete Holmes."
In addition to Holmes' show, Conaco is producing "Deon Cole's Black Box," a clip show starring "Conan" writer Cole, later this year.
"The first half of my meeting with Conan was spent making sure this wasn't all part of a new TBS prank show called You Got Coned!," Holmes said in a statement. "The second half was spent expressing my sincerest enthusiasm and gratitude for this incredible dream come true."
'New Girl' Star Thought Schmidt Would End His Career
NEW YORK — Max Greenfield, who's been nominated for an Emmy and a Golden Globe for his role as Schmidt on the Fox comedy "New Girl," says he isn't worried about being typecast.
The idea makes him laugh.
"I don't think anybody was ever gonna put me in like `Winter's Bone' anyway," the 32-year-old actor said in a recent interview. "You know what I mean? I don't think like if they were making a very dramatic, serious movie, they were gonna think, `You know, I really like Max Greenfield, but Schmidt is just ... it's too much of a THING to put him in that movie.'"
He even took the bit further.
"I don't think they're trying to put me in `Saving Private Ryan. `We're looking for Ryan. (Pauses.) Is that Schmidt?'" he said. "I'm fine. I'm getting to do everything I want to do on this show."
"New Girl" stars Zooey Deschanel as a young woman with three male roommates, played by Greenfield, Jake Johnson and Lamorne Morris.
Schmidt is a vain, oversexed ladies man with obsessive-compulsive disorder. He makes frequent references to his Jewish heritage. The character could be unlikable, but Greenfield's portrayal of Schmidt makes many viewers root for him.
Fans tweet Greenfield's lines as Schmidt while the show airs. And Greenfield garners respect from his peers.
"I wanna live in a world where the only person I see or interact with is Schmidt," actress Mindy Kaling tweeted last year. Gwyneth Paltrow wrote in her newsletter, GOOP, that she "fell in TV love" with the character. Greenfield now occasionally contributes to GOOP.
Greenfield worried before "New Girl" debuted in 2011 that viewers would dislike Schmidt.
"I thought, `There's a good chance that I'll never work again after this.' I mean, we've played him in such a way that this could go terribly wrong, and then we started to air and the response was so positive. It kind of affirmed all the things that the writers were doing, all the things that I was doing. I think it said to everyone, `We're on the same page. We can keep moving forward.' And then they just went crazy with it."
Schmidt's first name hasn't been revealed, and Greenfield hopes it never will be, unless it's done in a clever way, like if the character gets married.
"I'm just thinking of this now, but what a smart move this would be. `Will you (first name) Schmidt take ... ` and that's the moment she goes, `That's your first name?' That would be a nice moment. Under a chuppah."
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Comedian Trolls Westboro Members
Comedian Dave Sirus likes making himself a bee in the bonnet of Westboro Baptist Church members. He's interviewed them several times as his alter ego "Brick Stone", and he's not afraid to make each encounter more awkward than the last.
This time around he caught up with them in Malibu and asked them all the tough questions, including, "Have you ever wondered how good gay sex must be if people are willing to go to hell for it?"
Ben Stiller's Returning To 'Arrested Development'
It’s neither trick nor illusion: Ben Stiller will appear on the revived "Arrested Development," EW has learned. The film star will reprise his role as Tony Wonder, rival magician to GOB (Will Arnett), in one episode during the new season of the cult comedy, which Netflix will stream in May. Exactly how he fits into the plot is being kept under wraps. But it may not be a bad idea to check the dumbwaiter.
Tuesday, February 26, 2013
Michael Broder: Seth, Oscar, and Antiquity: The Fine (and Endangered) Art of Making Mockery
Seth MacFarlane's performance as host of the Oscars failed less because of racism, sexism, and homophobia than because he forgot what satire is and how it works. The same could be said of the beleaguered Onion staffer who misfired the unfortunate tweet about Quvenzhané Wallis, forcing Onion CEO Steve Hannah to issue a written apology the next morning. As Joan Walsh reminds us in Salon, MacFarlane's patter was likely vetted up a long chain of Oscar command, so his blinding display of offensive bad taste (as opposed to the kind of bad taste we genuinely enjoy) suggests that many powerful people in the entertainment industry have forgotten the basics of comic mockery. The Friars' Roast has turned into a wicker man, and the satiric genius of late-night icons like Johnny Carson and beloved fictional curmudgeons like Archie Bunker has been lost in a sea of mindless snark.
One of the lost secrets of satire is the idea of mockery from below: the idea that in order to win the sympathy of the audience and the comic right to issue scathing barbs, the satirist must make himself his own first and biggest target, not merely taking himself down a notch or two but kicking himself all the way off the ladder, either through self-deprecating humor or by creating a satiric persona that is so obviously and outrageously exaggerated that nobody could mistake its comic mockery for earnest ridicule. Oscar hosts, from Johnny Carson and Billy Crystal to Whoopi Goldberg and Ellen DeGeneres, have been masters of the self-deprecating strategy, while an Oscar host like Chris Rock exemplifies the exaggerated comic persona that is deployed to perfection nightly by Stephen Colbert.
The ancient Romans invented satire, and in fact gave us quintessential examples of both of these two major satiric strategies of deflation and exaggeration in the persons of Horace and Juvenal. Horace practiced an urbane, witty, gently mocking form of satire, poking fun at his own foibles in one breath before taking aim at a fellow Roman in the next. Juvenal, by contrast, rages with indignation at the collapse of good old-fashioned Roman morality under the weight of faithless Roman wives as well as effeminate sodomites, miserly Jews, and arrogant Africans pouring into Rome from the provinces. In fact, Juvenal's indignation was so convincing that many readers over the centuries believed his ridicule to be completely sincere; only in the 20th century did an increasing number of scholars embrace the idea of a witty and irreverent Juvenal who was more concerned with comedy than morality.
Satire, for the Romans, was a particular form of poetry that combined epic rhythms with personal musings on society, culture, and current events. The comic mockery that is so characteristic of Roman satire was not unique to the satiric genre, but could also be found in the lyrics of Catullus and the epigrams of Martial. Indeed, the satiric spirit of comic mockery has even more ancient roots among the Greeks, notably in the vulgar stage comedies of Aristophanes, the malicious lyric wit of Hipponax, and the scathing poetic invective of Archilochus. There is a direct line from this ancient pantheon to such modern satiric wits as Groucho Marx, Lucille Ball, Mel Brooks, Norman Lear, Richard Pryor, Joan Rivers, and Jon Stewart (to name just a few, and omit a truly diverse array of many just as worthy).
What all of these masters of comic mockery share is an acute sense of their own fallibility, a vulnerable core that, depending on the comedian's personal style, may be readily visible à la Horace (as in the case of Lucille Ball or Ellen DeGeneres) or hidden deep beneath a hard, seemingly impenetrable exterior à la Juvenal (Grouch Marx, Joan Rivers). It is precisely this kind of profound humility that was nowhere to be found on Oscar night, either in the onstage banter of Seth MacFarlane or in the concurrent social media conversation marked not only by the egregious Onion blunder but also by innumerable mean-spirited attacks on Anne Hathaway and Kristen Stewart.
In the 1970s, Archie Bunker was able to mount weekly attack on women, blacks, gays, Jews, and every other identifiable target of white male Christian fear, anxiety, and hatred, not just getting away with it, but becoming beloved by an entire generation of television viewers. Why? Because while Archie was racist, sexist, homophobic, anti-Semitic, and just plain hateful, All in the Family was not. Instead, the show managed to put Archie's raw invective into a satiric context that was transformative, prompting Americans to reevaluate their own views on race, class, gender, sexuality, and religion. Each and every character, from Edith the long-suffering "dingbat" wife, to Gloria the hysterical young bride, to Mike the bleeding heart liberal "meathead," to a George Jefferson who eerily mirrored the narrow-minded prejudice of Archie from across the racial divide, helped us to see the bruised and vulnerable core at the center of Archie's painfully flawed being. That is the fine art of making mockery. That is the endangered art that a once-witty Oscar needs to study and learn again.
Dear God, Someone Please Stop Michelle Malkin
Michelle Malkin released a parody of First Lady Michelle Obama's "History of Mom Dancing" from "Late Night with Jimmy Fallon," except in the right-wing pundit's version, she reenacted -- get this -- the history of liberal dancing!
Take a moment to watch it. We'll be right here.
Have you watched it yet?
Okay, good. Can explain what the hell is going on here? If you know what dances called "Fly Like a Menendez" (?) or "The Diggie (Obama's spending sinkhole)" (??) mean, we would love to know.
We did, however, enjoy "The Golfing Man," as Barack Obama is the first president to have played golf, a foreign activity to Republicans.
Once and for all, Republicans have dispelled the notion that they are by and large embarrassingly bad at comedy -- albeit unintentionally. Take that, Michelle Obama!
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